A Good Deed, Indeed.
“The meeting will come to order!” I announced. “If the Stud Muffins will take their seats, we can get started.”
All of the handsomest Toms on Twitter stared and hissed their way to the most comfortable positions available.
I continued, “As you know, I am Tibbs, President and CEO of #StudMuffinInc and I would like to thank all of you attractive Toms for joining me at the Round Table Of Gorgeousness, for this inaugural meeting.”
A multitude of heads nodded in agreement.
“The plan is, that once a month, we shall check in to celebrate our Gorgeousness and share some of our trade secrets to keep the humans slaves forever in our debt. If you know of any good looking Toms who would like to join #StudMuffinInc, by all means, bring them along to the next meeting. All are welcome.” One might think that Stud Muffins of this caliber would disapprove of my granting others the term ‘good looking’ but my boys are a generous lot. “It has come to my attention that one of us, has spent the last couple of weeks on nursing duties . . .”
I glanced around the Table for tonight’s guest speaker. He was nowhere to be found. Looking further afield, I spotted the culprit and called, “LG, if you can haul your a** away from the mirror . . . ”
Lord Graydon ran a paw through the adorable grey fur and swaggered towards the rest of the Toms seated at the Table.
“Tonight’s orator is none other than this handsome British Short Hair. Most of you know him already, but for those who do not, this is possibly my future brofur-in-law, Lord Graydon. You have the stage, LG . . . Regale us with your fable.”
Lord Graydon snarled and muttered under his breath, “Do not bring your sisfur into this.” He stepped forward to luxuriate in the round of polite applause he was given. He basked in its glory, for a moment longer, then cleared his throat. “Well, as you know my Mom 👩🏻🍳 went in for a surgical procedure a couple of weeks ago and it was up to me to nurse her back to health.”
“Did you wear one of them bawdy ‘Carry On’ nurse’s uniforms?” Was meowed from the audience. This led to a smattering of chuckles.
“Maybe . . . and I’ll tell you this, I looked damn fine in it.” LG shot back.
The laughter increased briefly until his Lordship resumed his narrative. “You can not believe how strenuous the last couple of weeks have been. Day after, tedious day, I had to teach my Mom how to be more cat-like. Expecting immediate service with a smile for days on end and 💤💤💤💤 at every opportunity. She was always wanting to be up and doing things . . . Can you believe that?!!! Parents!!! They’re exhausting work.” LG let his words sink in.
We all have humans. We all know how thick they are. I had to ask the obvious, “But in the end, you were rewarded handsomely for your excellent attention to the health and welfare of the Duchess, correct?”
“Rewarded my a**!” Lord Graydon snapped.
This made the entire Round Table Of Gorgeousness sit-up. “What?!!!!”
Our speaker continued, “I had to hold myself back from displaying a rude gesture towards 👩🏻🍳, just the other day. I’d been the purrfect nurse for ages and ages, I played the sweet and cuddly Tom, not to mention joining her for her naps, just, to be sociable. And what awaited me when she went to fill my food bowl . . . ? NO FOOD LEFT!”
“Holy Moly . . . !”
All apt observations from the Round Table.
“What did you do, LG? Did you . . . STARVE . . . ?” My heart was in my stomach. Surely, not having food handy would bring about severe malnutrition? 🙀🙀
“Luckily, Daddy sprang into action . . . (Well, ‘sprang’ may be a generous way of putting it.) but he finally managed a trip to the V E T to get my dry food.” LG paused for dramatic effect after acknowledging the scandalous way in which his Mom 👩🏻🍳 had treated him.
“Long live the Duke!”
“We might have to invite your Dad, to be an honorary member of #StudMuffinInc for his bravery in the face of such dire circumstances?” I piped up.
“He’s my hero.” Lord Graydon candidly admitted.
“Mine too!” Began a chorus from around the table.
“If not for him, I don’t know what might have become of me.” LG’s lower lip trembled at the thoughts.
“I hope the Duchess has been properly admonished for the lapse?” I was a fan of the LG’s Mom but this faux pas was intolerable.
“She apologized profusely and was remorseful but I shall continue to rake her over the coals, for as long as I can.” LG bowed. The harrowing tale had come to an end.
“Here . . . Here . . .” Rang out amongst the thundering applause as the Stud Muffins stood to express appreciation for the Duke’s audacious valour.
I took the stage again, “Settle down everyone.” The Toms returned to their seats. “That was quite an adventure, LG. Now, it is incumbent upon us to come up with a satisfactory response that will serve all of catkind, in case this terrible mishap were to occur to the rest of us. Any suggestions . . . ?
“Deliberately, miss the litter box?”
“Three a.m. wake up calls?”
“Refuse to face them when they bring the camera out to photograph us?”
“All excellent catting techniques. What do you think LG? What did you do?” I waited for the pearls of wisdom from the grey and white BSH.
“My solution was . . . ”
” . . . to knock over 👩🏻🍳’s new bottle of foundation.” LG revealed with pride. “Cats are Karmic creatures, we must be fed on demand or the humans will suffer the consequences.”
The Round Table Of Gorgeousness gave Marshmallow Cheeks another well deserved, standing ovation.
The moral of the story is ‘Never cross a cunning Kitty . . . And we’re all cunning.’
Next Month: Can Chalky Choo Choo Redeem Himself?