The Great White Hunter
This meeting of #StudMuffinInc has generated great buzz. We may not all be the outdoorsy type but the instinct to poach never leaves us. Here are the minutes from the meeting, in case, any of the Stud Muffins missed the exciting and informative lecture.
“GentleToms . . . Attention please . . . Everyone settle down. This month’s meeting of #StudMuffinInc is about to commence. Take your seats at the Round Table.” I waited as all the terrific looking Toms sat down. My . . . they were devilishly handsome, each and everyone of them. (And they all knew it, too.)
I continued, “This month you are in for a treat. One of the founding members of #StudMuffinInc is going to give us a meow on ‘Big Game Hunting’. This particular Catanova is a mover and a shaker. We all may need a nap after hearing of his exploits. So, without further ado, let me introduce . . . A Tom always on the go . . . The one . . . The only . . . The Irish Express . . . Chalky Choo Choo . . . ”
A round of thunderous applause ensued as Chalky, the all white domestic shorthair, ran to the front of the room. “How are ya?” He began pleasantly. “I’m not much for meowing, I’d rather be outside chasing shrews, voles and frogs . . Yeah frogs . . .” Chalky’s eyes lit up at the mention of his nemesis.
Some of the more adventurous Stud Muffins began to pert up at the suggestion.
“A road trip?!!!” Asked an eager Seanie Boy, an avid hunter.
I put a stop to this idea before Lord Graydon fainted. “We are not going on a hunt. Chalky is here to tell us all he knows about stalking wildlife. Continue Chalky . . .”
“Well, pals, the best way to capture prey is the . . .” Chalky moved with stealth, demonstrating the way in which a Tom is most likely to catch a rodent. He jumped at a distracted LG. “Surprise . . . ”
“Eeeek . . . !!!!” Lord Graydon nearly dropped his compact mirror.
” . . . Attack!!!” Chalky shook his head. “It’s an important lesson to learn. We must gain the upper hand by being inscrutable.” He glanced around the room. He had them all spellbound. “Another important aspect of hunting is to be ever vigilant. Always be on guard and ready to pounce . . .” Chalky leapt at me.
I managed to hold back on the girly screech I wanted to let loose. Smiling wanly, I nodded for the Great White Hunter to continue.
Chalky eyed me carefully and carried on with the lecture, “Now, this next piece of advice, I expect you all to take to heart . . . ‘never hunt while intoxicated’. Keep off the ‘nip’ when chasing after your quarry, or even if you have to ‘see off’ another Tom who has invaded your patch, it can throw you off your game.”
Chalky’s words of wisdom sank in with all the Toms. Although, I suspect Seanie Boy was not convinced of the last recommendation.
“And in conclusion, whenever frogs are around . . . YOU GET THEM!!!” Chalky doffed his cap and bowed as he finished his presentation.
Another round of applause filled the room.
I stepped forward, “Very enlightening, Chalky. Do, any of, you have questions for the master? This is the opportunity of a lifetime. Chalky will help improve your skills.” I scanned the room of Stud Muffins. These cats knew a superior hunter when they saw one.
“Is it true, Chalky, that a birdie came into the window and flew around the rafters while your Mama had to chase it out of your home while you merely watched?” A brave Seanie Boy asked. He was still, a bit, miffed at the ‘keep off the nip’ comment.
Chalky glared at the scoundrel. “I needed a nap that day. I was tired.” At the disappointed murmurings Chalky recovered quickly with this tale, “I did, however, leave a dead mouse under Mama’s chair . . .” Ears twitched in interest. Chalky began to laugh. “You should have heard her screams of delight. She doesn’t usually make such a fuss when I offer presents but this one caught her off guard! ‘Shifty’, pals, you’ve got to be ‘Shifty’. When they don’t expect it, STRIKE!”
The laughter and clapping of paws was music to Chalky’s ears.
I decided to ask, “Regarding the advice about being under the influence when hunting, I have a sisfur, Chalky, who has been known to imbibe occasionally . . . ”
There was a loud snort from the direction of LG.
” . . . and she, also, has a reputation as being, a bit of, a huntress. Do you truly believe the being blotto is detrimental to the chase?”
Chalky took a deep breath and answered, “Let me tell you about a little something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I went to the V E T and I was given a seda . . . a sedati . . . I was put on some loopy juice. Well, when I got home I wanted to go for a walk. So, Mama put the harness on me and out we went. All was fine until I saw the panfurs down the lane. They began ridiculing me for being ‘in harness’!!! I wanted to fight them so bad. In the end I had to be dragged away and carried home!” Chalky hung his head. “No one needs to be ‘harness shamed’, pals. It isn’t worth it.”
“The nip and the hunt do not mix! Remember that, pals.” Chalky ended the lesson. “Wasn’t there going to be food?”
“Yes, yes . . . Thank you, Chalky. Your words of wisdom will help each of us. Now, if you would like to make your way to the buffet table. I believe we have frog legs, on tap.” I finished the meeting.
A white streak zoomed by.